The 1%

Hi. I’m Debbie Downer. You might remember from such blog posts as “Hi, My Husband Dumped Me for a Whore and I’ll I got was this Lousy Paperwork!” and “Wah! Who’s Upset their Baby Plans got Screwed?”
Yes, I’m referring to myself, of course.
In light of a recent discussion with my sister from anotha motha (we recently discovered this after it was divulged we have a secret obsession with our pillows), it was brought to my attention that my blog posts can sometimes be downright depressing. Like, who the heck is this chick and what has she done with Erin? So, today I looked back and what I’ve written since D Day and…I guess I can see it. The funny thing is? Though these specific times that I have felt the need to purge my thoughts on “paper”, I really can’t say any of the emotions in many of the previous posts are things I feel day to day.
Because day to day? I’m honestly happy. Fairly stress free, for the most part. I can’t really say the last time I have cried (which kinda makes me worry. Do I need to be crying? Is it on my schedule? Agh! OK, done now). I seem put together because I am put together. That’s just how I roll, how I operate. The divorce is now almost now at exactly a year since the state declared R and I officially terminated. I think my motto has been “I really can’t complain” because honestly, I really can’t. Even the douchey divorce. Yes, the way it went down is hard to top (K-lassy), but hearing stories of other dissolved marriages through the eyes of other women really make it hard for me to complain about my own.
But…do I still have a little moment here and there where I find myself saying “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?” Apparently, yes. Yes I do. They come and go, sometimes with no real rhyme or reason. Sometimes with very apparent reason. I try and face them head on and sometimes it just finds its way to another topic which in turn may or may not end up on “paper”. So, those momentary freakouts of mine? Not really all that common. But do they happen? Yah. I’m OK with them. I honestly think they are normal, whatever that is. I think they’ll happen less and less as I know they’ve already spaced themselves out quite a bit. So much so that sometimes I strangely welcome them when they happen? Not sure if that even makes sense, but since I may or may not be one to not discuss my feelings (OK, I totally can suck at it, and often did in said marriage), when I get the sense that I have an internal conflict, I need to get it out. Do I talk about them openly with anyone who will listen? Nope. That’s part of my problem, I’m sure. I just keep it on the inside. But I KNOW I need to get it out, even if is a 5 minute pity party. Since the conflict is with myself, and I can only tlak to myself so much without looking totally crazy, I put it on “paper”. Get it out there, I tell myself. Communicate. Learn from this.
But I get it, I get it. It’s just time to move on.
Enough with the whiny moaning and groaning. That’s not really me (OK, it’s totally me, but 1% of the time me vs. 99% of the time me).
I think that perhaps it’s time to focus a bit more on the 99% of the positive me. Ok, perhaps 97% of the time. The things those are good. The things that have helped heal me these past 15 months. These things that made me happy to celebrate the big 3-0 last weekend. The things that made me literally smile while taking a drive on the most beautiful day of the most beautiful season in the most beautiful part of the country.
Perhaps it’s time for a new theme here. I never got to do the infamous “30 before 30 list”, so how about a “40 before 40” list. And let’s talk about WHY THE HELL my skin has decided to relive my teenage years again because acne was so much fun the first time around! Perhaps I’ll even discuss everyone’s favorite topic “Dating Post Divorce: The Stuff Your Mother Never Told You Because She Never Thought She’d Have to!” (current subject material = non existent, in case you were curious).
So, that’s where I’m at. I still have my moments, but really? Don’t worry too much about me. I’ve been doing just fine, as I know I’ll continue to be.
I think 30 really DOES make me wiser.
Hi, 30’s? I kinda think you’re hot. Sincerely, Erin.